unHooked

And eating a box of Little Debbie’s Swiss Cake Rolls is not an option:

1. Search Apple Music for covers of “Here Comes the Sun”.
2. Arrange same alphabetically by artist in your phone. (You may need your charger for this.)
3. Tune into CNN and count how many times Erin Burnett blinks in any given 20 minute segment. You could also start a list of reasons why Anderson Cooper’s make-up artist wants you to believe he has chalk running through his vein instead of blood. (It’s scary some days!)
4. Take apart your fidget spinner, clean the ball bearings, and reassemble. (Didn’t know that’s what’s in those weirdly soothing little suckers, did ya?)
5. Watch someone else do that – wayyyyy easier.
6. Prepare English language translation of the scat from your favorite jazz tune (e.g., “shoobie do ah doobie-o! might really mean “which part of ‘no dogs on the couch’ did you fuckers not understand?”).
7. Try to remember who taught you how to blow bubbles with your gum. I don’t remember who taught me, but I do remember nearly choking about 10 times. Slow learner, I guess.
8. Color commentate an entire profession football game speaking only like Yoda. (Baseball would be too easy. At the beginning of about the 3rd inning — Ted: Boring this is. Agnes: Agree do I. — followed by about 4 1/2 hours of radio silence.)
9. Come up with a way – once and for all – to tell which side is “up” on your hearing aide battery. (I know there are only 2 sides, you’d think it would be easy, especially after 3 years. EVERY TIME I start off with the wrong side up.)
10. Explain to Hallmark that if they can get $9 for a card with a single sequin on it (blank inside for personal message), then they can surely get at least that much for your innovative line of Curse Word Cards (Best sellers might include: (card front) FUCK THE FUCK OFF. (inside card) But only until I finish my coffee, then you may speak. Oh, and thank you for brining it to me. Out! Or: (card front) GODDAM YOU! You fucking (check all that apply) Ass clown, Ass hat, Asshole, Dickhead, Dick-wad, Prick, Bell end, Cocksucker! (inside card) You never call me any more. I miss you.

You could read a book, I guess. If you’re into that. I don’t judge.